Dark to Light: Loving Your Suffering
As I am writing this I am not sure what the answers are. In past journal entries I’ve written about caring for self with loving kindness… I thought I had it figured out. I thought I was finding my way. I thought I had finally arrived.
But once again, life feels messy and frustrating. Despite my best efforts to move forward consistently and intentionally, I am now in a place where it feels like two steps forward, one step back on one day and then, one step forward and two steps back on the next.
I’ve written about my ongoing struggle to navigate chronic health issues connected with eczema, asthma and sinus congestion. With challenges of searching for relief from stories of feeling broken, judging myself, caught up in the tension of the uncomfortable emotions.
Searching for Answers in Darkness
It is difficult not to judge myself or feel like I’ve failed. I know I am a strong, resilient and insightful person with a genuine desire to serve others. I have created regular habits and rituals to nurture my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. I successfully coach others to do these things in my business. But, once again, I find myself asking, “What am I still doing wrong?”
I’ve often looked externally for answers through both western and easten philosophies to support my physical and mental health. Thousands of dollars later I have a large list of approaches that don’t serve me well. And the suffering continues. Maybe it’s time to stop looking outward and start looking in.
I have been reading “Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame” by Tara Brach. In the first section of the book Tara talks about “unfolding the wings of acceptance.”
Light: Mindfulness in the Moment
The first wing speaks about mindfulness and recognizing what is happening in our moment to moment experience. Say we have a fearful response where we notice our heart racing, nauseous sensations in our stomach, thoughts moving quickly and not grounded in logic. Often, my immediate response to these feelings is to get out as fast as possible… go meditate and focus on doing it right, go for a walk and focus on releasing what is not serving me, go kickboxing and sweat out all the negativity from my body.
In light of the first wing, Tara speaks about experiencing your feelings without pulling away or controlling your experience of the uncomfortable. It becomes a practice to now recognize the truth of our uncomfortable emotions as they are.
I find, reluctantly, that I need to sit with these uncomfortable emotions and think through them, feel through them, in order to process and release them. Journaling has been a great tool for this because, as I write, I acknowledge my feelings, accept them without judgement, and have space to think and feel through them. I can explore why I feel this way, asking myself if there are any beliefs or assumptions that are no longer serving me. Then I can write through releasing them and embracing new truths which are aligned with how I want to feel and show up in life and business.
Light: Gentle Compassion for the Feelings
The second wing of acceptance speaks of compassion, holding our feelings and thoughts with love, gentleness and care. I find myself asking what would happen if I simply sit with my feelings of overwhelm? Invite these difficult feelings in just as they are and stop trying so hard to remove them entirely. What would happen if I stopped looking outward for answers and just be with my internal experience? To feel okay with not feeling okay. Inviting the pain in, as I would invite the joy in.
Pain has a purpose in healing. When we have a certain response, such as fear, it is often because that response has served us well in the past. That response has protected us in some way and at the most basic level ensured our continued survival. It’s part of our fight or flight response. But when we are no longer in immediate danger (physical or emotional), those responses can still be triggered.
When I find my own emotions triggered in that way, my response is now to “start with love” (hello… Danielle Laporte Truthbomb!). I thank the feeling for how it helped me in the past. Then I evaluate, based on my current circumstances, whether that response is still needed. If not, I think through all the facts I can observe (separate from emotion) which demonstrate how the present situation is not the same as the past. Based on these new facts, I decide how I want to respond. Then I create a simple affirmation for my response and repeat it to myself over and over. My mantra. I write it down. I sing it sometimes. And I keep repeating it until it becomes my new truth.
I found myself praying: "May I love and accept myself just as I am." I began to feel as if I were gently cradling myself. Every wave of life moving through me belonged and was acceptable. Even the voice of fear, the one that told me "something is wrong with me," was acceptable and could not taint this deep and genuine caring. ~ Tara Brach
